This Mother's Day holds very mixed emotions for me. I am so happy and thankful to now be the mother to nine of God's precious children. But Anna is still not with us and that makes it hard.
We were told that she would be discharged on Wednesday if she were stable enough. Scott and I took Owen, our 22 month old, with us and joyfully went to finally bring Anna home. We quickly realized that that wasn't going to happen. She was still desatting and spiking fevers. The doctors ordered a CT scan of her lungs.
What we were told basically was that 1/3 of her left lung and 2/3 of her right weren't working. They were blocked. Without putting a camera in, they couldn't tell us why. Most likely it was from chronic aspiration. The children in Anna's orphanage were fed lying down for years. Many died from this treatment. They also told us that they might have to remove part of her lung if it was damaged enough.
I just didn't have peace about this. I prayed that God would give her the best possible outcome and that no surgery would be needed. My heart was just broken for all she had suffered.
At this time, I admit, I was hit with a feeling of dread as well. I don't believe that that ever comes from God unless it is a warning. This was just general yuckiness and fear, wondering if I could truly handle all of the challenges that Anna brings with her. I also admit that it was my selfishness rising to the top again, feeling sorry for myself and missing how comfortable life had become before Anna came home.
And this is what God shared with me. He is so faithful and patient! He clearly told me how arrogant I was. How completely and totally arrogant. I was assuming that if he had not brought Anna into our lives, that our lives would have gone along all hunky dorey and roses. No one else in the family would ever get sick, I wouldn't lose my job, no moronic terrorist would ever set a bomb down by my feet. Oh, my goodness, how ridiculous I was being! Of course bad things would happen. And the safest place to be is in the middle of his will, even when it's hard. After that revelation, my whole outlook changed. Jesus said that we have to give up EVERYTHING to follow him. And yes it hurts, but he gave up EVERYTHING to rescue us.
On Friday, they performed a procedure where they looked at her lungs and cleaned out as much of the gunk as possible. We received a really good report. The pus was clear and they didn't see any need to operate at this time. They have put her on a more stringent respiratory therapy and new stronger antibiotics. The doctor also said that she was going "downhill fast" when we brought her in. She didn't believe that Anna could have survived much longer without medical care. Glory be to God whose timing is always perfect! He brought her to us at just the right time. I am knocked to my knees in humility at his perfect knowledge and my extreme ignorance.
I have stopped worrying about when she is coming home. God has made it clear that only he knows and that that is good enough. I admit, though, that today I miss her so much it hurts.
I know you all have been praying faithfully for Anna and for us. Thank you from the bottom of this mother's heart.